his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
