I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
