i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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