Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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