my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
