Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
