Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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