Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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