I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
