fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
