I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
