I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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