wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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