i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
