Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We're too hungover to prance.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
