when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
