captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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