AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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