If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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