And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
