dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
