Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
