youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I am midnight drunk by noon
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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