Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i came on her dog
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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