If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
