what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
