I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
