Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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