It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
