My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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