Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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