i jhust puked up my retainher.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
