i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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