Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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