I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize