i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
