did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
