When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
