1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
