I wish I could punch you in the face.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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