this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
