My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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