you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
