I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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