Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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