We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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