Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
