is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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