when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
