I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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