he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
