Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
