I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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