last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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