I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
