I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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