Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
