he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
