So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
