I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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