I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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