Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You can't just leave with hair like that
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
