hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
