that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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