i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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